How to act... not really...

I have been working at a vet for about 14 years now.  I am going to list a few guidelines for you as a client to follow.  These guidelines are not how I think things should be done, but how you as a client think you need to act.  Keep in mind, that altough you would never want me to come into your work and treat you like this, it is perfectly ok for you to do so to me and my coworkers.

1)Your scheduled appointment time is just a suggestion.  Feel free to ignore it and do as you please.  If you are not able to make your appointment please do not bother to call, Just dont show up.  We love the suspense of trying to guess what you are going to do.  So as you can see, calling us with your intentions would just take the fun out of our day.

2)Do not put your pets on a leash or in a carrier.  Just open the door and let them run loose. We really enjoy the chaos of running around trying to chase your pet.  This is really fun when your pet is really sick and spreads the love germs. Or when there is a dog agressive animal in our lobby waiting to be seen.

3)Do not bring your previous pet history as we request. Calling the other animal hospitals gives us time to catch up with old friends and make new ones. Also, when you give us the information to call for please do not let us know when your pet is listed under a different name there. We really love a good challange.

4)  Be sure to make sure we follow your breeders rules. Especially concerning anesthesia and vaccines. Our schooling and training really didnt teach us alot, so any extra guidence you can give is appreciated.

5)  If your cat is hissing or scared, please put your hands and face as close to his/her mouth as possible.  We know that your pet would never bite you and if they did, it would be our fault.

6) Please give your pets medication as you see fit. We only put the instructions on them because the label printer is cool.  We understand that when the problem doesnt resolve it is our fault, not yours.

7) When giving a history on your pet, please be a vague as possible. The Dr. also likes a good guessing game and has the whole day to spend trying.

8) We are just kidding when we suggest you bring a urine or stool sample.  That's gross! We will just get it when your pet relieves himself/herself on our lobby floor.

9) Please be sure to stay on your cellphone the whole visit. Handless headsets are preferred.  We love trying to figure out whether you are talking to us or the person on the phone.  Dont forget to call us back later and ask us all of the stuff we were trying to explain to you during your visit.

10) If your pet is sick, please wait a minimum of 3 days before you bring him in.  You will still need to make sure that you wait until 30 minutes before we close to even call us.  Before you do anything please consult Dr. Internet.  The internet knows much more then we do.

11)  Please wait until your pet tries to bite us before you tell us that your pet has always had to be muzzled in the past.  It keeps our reflexes sharp.  Besides, it is much easier to muzzle a pet after they are already worked up.

12)  Verbal abuse is always appreciated, if possible wait until our lobby is full of people.  Please be creative with your profanity. We all love to expand our vocabulary.

13)  Ignore the staff only signs. Please roam around as you please.  Stick your hands in all of the cages.  If you child is roaming around with you, we prefer them to be barefoot.

14)  Last but not least, ALWAYS complain about your bill.  We know our prices are to high.  In general we tend to be greedy and not care about your pet.  We recommend vaccines as a way to make money, not as a protection measure.  If we are able to waive a vaccine for you to drop off your pet for a routine procedure and you pet gets sick, Please let us pay for everything while you badmouth us to everyone you know.

If you follow these rules, you will fit right in...